AFTERMATH, TIME, GOOD ENOUGH, MARRIAGE? CAREER? WHAT HAVE I LEARNED? WHAT IS TRUTH?

(WRITTEN PRESENT-2024)

Psychotic Depression-

Since psychotic depression, unfortunately, I can't sit here and say I came back 100%, and everything is just fine. I think the biggest issue was when the first symptoms started manifesting, because I did not know I had OCD or that I was in the throws of Psychotic Depression, my actions reflected what I knew, "If its bad, it must be the devil, and all I can do is keep pushing, and start pushing harder." My thinking and actions were all the voice of mental illness, not truth, not the reality of the situation. So I pushed WAY too far. Not only was this unfortunate, but also very dangerous. I was blind, my mission president was blind, and I went home very injured.

A comparison-

Imagine having a severe tear in your knee ligament during a basket ball game. Rather than seeking help, like an old Baptist preacher or the mother of Bobby Boucher a.k.a. "The Waterbody" (90s reference) you say "Its the Devil,"! OCD in some ways is very much an old Baptist preacher.

So you figure the way out of this predicament, is to put your head down, push through, and play harder. It becomes worse, and worse. Your entire knee blows out, and you start hopping on one leg down the court and in your mind you're saying, "Its the Devil! I'm not leaving this court, I will not be sidelined, because this basketball game is a mirror of my life, and I want a good life, and I want to prove all the naysayers wrong I grew up with, and this is how you do it, you don't give up, you don't leave the court!"

Blood starts spewing everywhere, its all over the court, your leg is hanging by a single ligament, its just dangling, its about to fall off, and you keep going, until your leg is laying lifeless on the court, you fall down, have a heart attack, and start to go into cardiac arrest. You're carried off by a stretcher to the trainers room, and your coach says "Here's a band aid, this will fix everything. I'll let you sit this next quarter out, and then you're going back out there."

You go back out there, and your teams mates are like "Coach, he's worthless, he's disoriented from the the insane loss of blood, he can't even dribble the basketball." The Coach says, "I think its time to take you out of the game permanently, you should head home and get some medical attention." Well, you do head home and get medical attention, but you never walk the same again for the rest of your life.

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This example/comparison, was literally my mission experience the final 5 or 6 moths. I was out for 17 months. In reality, I probably should have never gone, or if I did go, it should have been some type of service mission. I should have come home right when the symptoms started manifesting. But here in lies the danger in the blind leading the blind, and all you can do is move on the best you can, and learn from the past.

Since psychotic depression, the part of my mind and whatever part of the brain governs it, that maintains a barrier, a centeredness on the real vs. the existential, is diminished. There was a time when I could think deeply about the wonders of the universe or watch a mind bender movie and be just fine. I can't do that anymore, it triggers that scary part of my mind, and I'll literally start to feel panic inside. Is it PTSD? Yea, probably. My episode was very traumatizing, so scary.

The Remedy-

I don't watch movies or any type of entertainment with a "mind bender" theme. If I'm watching something, and it starts to trigger me, I leave, or ask the company I'm with if we can watch something else.

I distract and redirect my thoughts. I have become really good at doing this. Its taking years, but doing it over and over again, I'm now pretty good at it.

Akathisia-

Since Akathisia, I have become sensitive to certain stimulus. I used to love night boarding, not anymore, because the shadows and lighting of the slope under the night sky coupled with the adrenaline of snowboarding, triggers a free floating anxiety inside me. If I chill out, and take a step back, it calms down. So surfing, snowboarding, the adrenaline things I used to enjoy, I don't much care for anymore.

What's interesting, is you would think playing concerts as a drummer would trigger it, but it doesn't. Drumming is so interesting, it puts me in an interesting place, I have an intense focus, and even what is called "drummers high", but no anxiety trigger switch is flipped. The power of music, the power of drumming, and the power of sunlight also, they're so incredibly helpful and therapeutic, they make me happy.

OCD (Disturbing Repetitive Thoughts, Authority Anxiety Switch, Exclusive Dating Anxiousness/Romance Anxiety)-

1. I can't have a boss. If I do have a boss, they have to be a really chill boss in a low stress environment.

2. When I get thoughts, I do the redirect and distract. My therapist has told me, don't keep batting at the thought or the fly, or one fly will then become 3. The more I focus on a thought, the worse it gets. So I identify it as OCD, I ignore it, and even laugh at how ridiculous it is, like a B Horror Movie, and say "Its just OCD."

3. If I brush my teeth in the morning and I wretch, its because my gag reflex has become more sensitive than usual, and it's a sign I need to pull way back or change my environment some how.

4. Acknowledge the Romance Anxiety, it just is, much like you acknowledge OCD thoughts. But call it what it is, it's not truth, it's anxiety. Be open with girls, but only when the time is right, and there is some trust. Don't think less of yourself because of it. It's just part of my mortal life, it's not me, its just something me has to deal with. I am a child of God, that's who I am.

Weight Gain & Weight Loss-

Anti-psychotic medications work, but their side effects suck! I was a lean 190, I was ripped, I had a six pack, I was a healthy man. After the second episode, I had to take Zyprexa, which is one of the very few anti psychotic medications that doesn't cause me Akathisia. But Zyprexa makes it hard to do anything, even get up and get the mail. In the worst of my episodes, I was on a very large dose. Zyprexa also makes you really hungry. I gained 60 pounds over a period of 2 or 3 months, and I stayed at that weight for like 6 or 7 years. I'm finally losing the weight, and becoming my "old self" in a sense, at least physically. I no longer take that medicine, only in emergencies, which only seem to ever happen in the fall. When I do take it, its usually for a short period, not even a month. Yes, I do not like the fall.

My doctor said this- 1,800 calories a day, and don't eat after 6. It works. I've also accepted that no, its not fair, and also, just because its not fair, it doesn't mean the weight loss fairy will come and tap me with her magic wand, and make me a lean 190 again. Losing weight is uncomfortable, and you will feel hungry sometimes, and that's the nature of the beast.

Time

The more time I spend removed from conflict and these traumatizing experiences, the better I feel. Time heals all wounds they say. I might not ever be healed in this life, but self care coupled with time, does wonders, as much or even more than meds.

Good Enough

To anybody who has endured trauma, especially for extended periods of time, you get to a point where you embrace "Good Enough". My psyche, mental, and emotional self has taken a hit so big, it's just not ever going to walk how it once did, and that's ok. It's ok because it's still walking, and it can still walk fast in bursts. No, it does not have the endurance and resilience it once did prior to the traumatic experiences, but it definitely is good enough.

Marriage?

I don't know about this one, I really don't know. Marriage is Mt. Everest in my eyes. I've witnessed the stress of family, friends, and others, and wondered how I could ever deal with that stress. Clinical anxiety issues and what probably is PTSD, have often painted a picture of a wife as less of an ally, and more of a bar I have to clear, and if I'm not feeling up to clearing that bar at times, than I'll hear about it, I'll feel pressure, and then all these anxiety switches and effects from past trauma will light up.

I've often thought, "I can just quit a job when the anxiety switch turns on and I'm on fire day after day. I can say "this is enough peace out I'm gone." But in a marriage, you can't just peace out. In my experiences, my perception of women is that they have a standard of life, an expectation, that makes them feel secure, and if a guy can't realize these standards and expectations, then there is going to be stress, and lots of it, and having gone through what I have, I don't have the capacity to deal with this. Husbands have to do deal with this, not all, but some. I've witnessed it time and time again in my family.

Because of my issues I need a lot of space, I mean A LOT of space. I'm not an orthodox LDS guy who has lead an orthodox existence, climbs the ranks at his employment and is the stereotypical breadwinner. I tried to cook bread and it burnt me, like really bad, lol. As such, my employment has been quite underwhelming, especially as a business grad.

This visual aid will help-

Twice the effort half the results, that's been the OCD "morning glory" struggle. As hard as one might try, in reality, with most things, you don't get an A for effort. Life is results driven more than it is effort driven.

Examples-

Student- "Professor, I tried really hard, I put my heart into it, I studied, I prepared."

Professor- "I know you did, but you wrote down the wrong answer, and your efforts don't make the incorrect answer correct."

Employee- "I'm really trying, I'm giving this job all I have."

Employer- "Yea, that doesn't fix your mistakes, and your mistakes cost us a lot of money. Sorry, you're just not cutting it, and we're gonna have to let you go."

Guy- "I've been through hell, and I'm really trying my very best, and doing all I can."

Girl- "I know you are, but there is a standard of life, a type of existence I want, that I was raised with, or at least that makes me feel secure, and though you have a good heart and you're trying, you're just not cutting it."

Life's tough, it is, and being mentally ill makes it way tougher. I can't think of anything else as unfair as mental illness, it's a thief that steals your time, energy, and life experiences. Mental Illness isn't situational, it's a life long struggle, and though some have spent time dealing with "mental illness" due to stressful times in life, that doesn't mean they're "mentally ill".

My therapist told me once, "I have people coming in and out of here yearly. Most of my patients experience a traumatic event, fall on some rough times, and experience symptoms of mental illness. I work with them, they take meds sometimes, and eventually they get past their rough patch, and I never see them again. Then I have other patients, that have a chronic life long condition, that just isn't going to go away in this life, and I'll see them until I retire. I work with them, and they make great strides in life, but its something that must always be managed, and you're one of those patients."

So, with his help, I'm managing, and it gets better with time.

My therapist is a god send, and meeting with him I believe it is part of the process of coming unto Christ. I also currently have a really good bishop, this is also a part of coming unto Christ.

If I trust God and change behavior, maybe this marriage thing could actually happen. But if it never does in this existence, I might just have to wait until the next.

Career?

I'm not gonna ever fit a standard box. I'm a drummer, and I have to do that autonomously and in a way that is good for me, among people that encourage and help me to be a better me. I'm teaching, and there is a learning curve, there is anxiety to manage. I'm gigging, and I have a couple great ideas, and I'm turning to my folks for some help to implement them, because quite frankly, I can't do this on my own, and that's ok.

What Have I Learned

Reading this blog, some might believe religion was the root of my problems. I would agree to an extent, but there is so much more to it than that. I'm still an active member of my faith, and much has changed because of medication and therapy. The reality is, the root of my problems was OCD and how it distorted my faith. Secondly, my heart was set on false truths. These are two things I have come to understand.

1. OCD is no respecter of persons. The root of OCD is genetic, at least when it's a clinical condition inherited through family lines, as is my case. Yes, environment and upbringing will effect this condition, for better or for worse. Also, if its caught early, meds and cognitive therapy can almost cure it I would say, but there will always be that genetic predisposition, which can manifest during stressful periods of life. If it is not diagnosed until adulthood, depending on its severity, it will be something one must learn to manage for the rest of their life. If I was born into an agnostic family, OCD would have wrapped its morning glory vines around something rather than religion, and it would have been difficult. My point is that it has served no purpose to speculate on environment. Of course I have dealt with some intense father and religious culture resentment, obviously. But when I look back at "The Traditions of My Fathers," my father had a giant ship to turn around, with no help from anyone, as did my mom. Sometimes the path of truth can be difficult, and full of criticism from others. Truth being eternal in nature, requires faith within a finite context, often made difficult by the pointing fingers of others. But the reward of truth is a calm, a quiet reassurance, even when nothing is quiet or calm around you. I digress. What needs to be understood, is that genetically inherited acute mental illness, that goes undiagnosed and unmedicated, will wreak havoc on any person, from any background, in any environment. My mental illness is rooted in my physical nature, my genes, but with medicine, therapy, and support from family and friends, especially my parents, who have made incredible sacrifice to help me, I'm managing it, and I get better at managing it as time goes on.

2. Truth, what is truth? Obsessive Compulsive disorder distorted my faith, my religion, my process of belief, my father, and ultimately understanding the TRUE nature of God. Scrupulosity is not faith, it is not obedience, it is mental illness, it is OCD.

What is truth? Truth is, will be, and always has been, it never changes, and as such, it is one, it stands alone, and it does not vary. There are partial truths, 1/2 truths, and then there is TRUTH.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I was a member of The Church of Latter-Day Saints of Jesus Christ my entire life. All that angered me about my faith, was the product of comparison, and ultimately looking at "people". People are people. People can seek truth, but they themselves are not truth. People are imperfect, after all, we're only human.

Culture is not truth. Branding is not truth. Monetary success is not truth. Career is not truth. Politics is not truth. Tradition is not truth. All of these things aren't bad, and they all may cross truth sometimes, but they all change, they are not truth.

My mistake was looking at the professional lives of my leaders as the truth. I was looking at the messenger, not hearing the message. I thought I had to earn a degree from a certain school, make a certain amount of money, earn a place at the table, gain prominence in my community, I thought all that was truth. The reality is, success, career, money, callings, leadership, politics, etc., these aren't bad things, and they can be a catalyst for much good in the world, but if our hearts are set on those things alone, then it will be to your own demise.

Truth stands alone, all by itself, and it is never changing. It is today, it was yesterday, and it will be tomorrow. It was the same a million years ago, and it will be exactly the same a millions years from now. This is why setting your heart on the norms of society, or the success of people, or politics, or anger, or resentment, or hurt, or money, or vindication, or jealousy, or emotion, etc., is so foolish, because all of those things change. They change on the daily even.

Truth is light, it is Christ, that is truth, and it's not bought, it's not earned, it just is, it always has been, and it always will be, its infinite, and it is in the heart of every person on earth if they allow it to be there. I'm finding Christ brings peace, calm, understanding, extinguishes fear, and makes me feel hopeful, because those are the fruits of truth. Unfortunately I had to go to hell before I realized what th