Present Day

I have been angry for a long time. Some of my anger is from trauma, and its post effects. But much of it stems from not just feeling misunderstood, that requires a listening ear, an attempt to understand, but from being ignored, not even an attempt to understand, or acknowledge past trials. I am not alone in this, many people feel this way.

I've said it multiple times in my prior post, but for much of my life, especially since my mission, I was a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints of Jesus Christ. What I aspired to, what angered me, it all stemmed from people. I wanted acceptance, I wanted prominence, I wanted to prove myself, I wanted a big house, I wanted a nice car, I wanted a white-collar career, and I wanted to be like what I perceived the church to be. It's obvious the majority of the church does not live this way, but depending on where and how you grew up, you might have this perception of the church, that it is elitist. So many I grew up around were well-to-do, excelled academically, and were rather condescending.

Unfortunately many leave the church because of other people, be it leaders or fellow members. They leave because they don't feel like they fit in, and depending on the area they attend church, they probably don't fit in. Many leave because though they might feel the spirit at church, the people around them are so different and foreign to their upbringing or life situation, that they feel very uncomfortable being there, or judged. They might feel that fellow members in their ward are standoffish, even cold. Many leave because they feel members of the church & leaders past or present are racist, and sometimes they are, or were. They leave because historically this leader of the church did x y and z, how could they? They leave because they feel church policies, rhetoric, or stances are out of line, and their view(s) are more in line. They leave because of lifelong struggles with a, b, and c, and the leaders just don't get it, and it doesn't seem like very many of them ever dealt with a, b, and c, so who are they to condemn or counsel me? They leave because they were abused and it wasn't dealt with properly, and maybe that abuse came from a church leader. They leave because they feel romantically rejected. Maybe this was a single incident of a relationship that ended, a string of failed relationships, or constant rejection to the point where a relationship never even happened at all. Outside the church they might feel the dating field is more accepting, they receive more romantic interest, and generally people are kinder to them, and the reality is, that is true sometimes. They leave because though they felt a witness of the Holy Ghost, their past church congregations from a different faith was more accepting, less intense, and over all much kinder to outsiders or the insiders. They leave because their marriage didn't go according to plan, and they did all they were supposed to, they prepared, and marriage gave them a lump of coal. They leave because rationalizing is easier than repenting, and accountability is a real buzz kill. And some leave, because they never were fully in to begin with, or they just got lazy.

I provided a long list because the majority of those thoughts and feelings I have dealt with personally. Also, I'm not gonna say that individuals don't have reason to be angry or hurt, we only walk in our own shoes, you can't make assumptions about others. The reality is, all members, all leaders, all people, are flawed. It's not members of the church are members of the church and they're people, it's they're people, and they're members of the church.

So in reality, I think people leave the church because they are members of The Church of Latter Day Saints of Jesus Christ. I know for most of my life my attitudes and behaviors were all "people" focused, and I think it's safe to say, many with in my faith have the same focus, it's hard not to be that way.

The truth is, it's The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have finally realized this. If someone doesn't realize this, then yes, there is no reason not to take issue with whatever it is that angers you and leave. So I ask myself, "All this hell, all this unfairness, all this romantic failure, all this arrogance, all these insecurities, etc., so why are you still here? Why are you still a member? Why do you still believe?"

Well, there is the nurture and nature aspect, and those two variables play a role in my church activity, and have also played a role in my angst. Does OCD play a role in church attendance? Obviously it does. But it's also played a role in feeling overwhelmed, becoming angry, and choosing to do things I know I shouldn't, a lot of things. But OCD is not your heart, that's what really matters.

A short tangent. You have thoughts that come from your mind (those are the absurd OCD thoughts), thoughts that come from your heart, and thoughts that come from your crotch. At least in the realm of OCD, the thoughts you need to be concerned with are the ones from your heart and crotch, those are real. Also, OCD, and all it damages, you can start to be resentful, and become angry, and then those heart and crotch thoughts start to yell. But behaviors stemming from anger, will only exacerbate OCD. I know this.

I digress. Within the nature/brain chemistry, there is a silver lining to hitting "absolute zero", of going to a literal "hell", but it doesn't come until you rehabilitate, and heal to the degree you can, "good enough". I now have a bird's eye view of my illness more than I ever have before. I have a greater degree of discernment, an ability to separate the gospel from scrupulosity, from mental illness, and a greater ability to recognize truth.

I've heard so many people say the spirit was just their mind. Here is the thing, of course your mind and therefore your brain chemistry play a role in manifesting truth, of feeling the spirit, why wouldn't they? I know this from personal experience. I know when you are in the throws of a psychiatric episode, depersonalization, or akathisia, you can't feel the spirit, you can't make sense of anything, and yes, your agency is compromised. I am so lucky to have had loving non critical parents to have been there for me when I was so far gone and scared, I didn't even know if I could endure it any longer.

But I remember the quintessential "burning of the bosom" as a young boy, while being presented to the few in attendance after my baptism. Heavenly communication does indeed pass through mind and brain chemistry, how could it not? And here in lies the problem when someone is off, they believe God or whoever is behind their crazy ideas, but no, being off is behind off ideas. What is the fruit? I'll get into this later.

Simply because our mind and brain chemistry play a crucial role in feeling and recognizing truth, that doesn't necessarily mean they themselves we're the author of that truth. I know feeling the spirit as I did as a boy during my baptism was a rare experience, because I never had felt that feeling before my baptism, and I have felt it very few times since then. I don't even feel it when I pray for it, I have to go by faith. Yes, I had OCD when I was 8, but I could still recognize what I felt that day, and I know I did, and I know the difference between OCD and spirit, especially now.

I also remember that burning peace feeling while watching a short church video about the birth of Christ at the Mesa Temple visitors center during their Christmas lights celebrations. I was probably 10 or 11 years old. I remember that feeling during discussions I taught on my missions, but only a very few times, it wasn't common. It rarely happens, and I would say its most powerful when you're a child. So during the throws of hell, being inside it, or above it, I remembered these experiences, and I know they played a role in helping me not take my life when I was feeling an incredible amount of fear and pain. Even if they weren't at the forefront of my thoughts always, my soul had a knowledge, maybe even call it an instinct, that God would not leave me in hell, and those early powerful experiences of feeling a witness of the Holy Ghost played a role in that.

I have experienced the fruits/feelings/thought process of spiritual darkness, spiritual light, and psychiatric darkness. All three are distinct. All I can say is when my actions, my behaviors, and my beliefs, for however long they have been occurring, can be traced back to anger, rejection, sadness, insecurity, fear, or anything else negative, I realize in my current state, my doubts are powerful, lust is daily, my focus is completely inward, I'm full of angst, I brood, I don't like being questioned, and I perpetually want to let loose and be in "let's have a really good time" mode.

When I remember that 8-year-old boy, and I recognize that experience for what it was, the fruits of that understanding are not highs, be it a fun high, a carefree high, a guilt-free high, and those highs are indeed a great time, I don't feel like letting loose, like turning up, nor do I feel low, like turning down. The fruits of the Holy Ghost are far above dopamine, because it is a Truth, a knowledge. When I recognize the witness I have felt from the Holy Ghost only a handful of times, and accept it for what it truly was, I feel a steady consistent calm, regardless of how bad or good everything else is around me, and that everything will be alright. In this state of mind, if weird mind stuff starts to knock on the door, I realize I don't need to run scared to false escapes, but that I can trust God, and it'll end up working out, be it that day, that week, that year, or even in the hour. It motivates me to trust, distract, and act unselfishly vs. doubt, focus on it, and seek a negative escape.

There is the spirit that bares a witness of truth, the quite burning I felt during my baptism as a boy, and then there is a spirit that sustains truth. The former is more powerful I would say, and occurs during individual experiences, and happens rarely. The latter is a peace, a calm, a trust that it'll be ok, that God knows you.

You will have bad days, angry days, stressful days, and days filled with rejection, and usually that rejection will come from friends, family, or fellow members of the church. You might deal with an impatient leader, an arrogant leader, even a very flawed church leader. You might be dealing with addictions, emotional issues, morality issues, or stressful financial times. You might be spiritually frustrated, sexually frustrated, emotionally frustrated, romantically frustrated, or frustrated with money, your job, or your career. I have felt all of those, and I know I'm going to feel them again. But during those moments, you pray sincerely, and focus on the savior, not on the people, not on the situation, and then go do some good, and get beyond the temptation, because when you feel like crap, you want to do crap.

You might say in your mind, and I have many times, "God doesn't love me, I don't even know if he's real, and life sucks right now, and nothing sounds better than giving into all the temptations that pull at me, and I have every reason to be down, and I have every reason to be angry, and I have every reason to go escape."

Escape seems to always comes in the form of sex or substances, because they're both very powerful. Since the dawn of human existence, the S's have always been there to allure people when they're down. I use sex and substances as umbrella terms for all things that run down those streams, be it sleeping around, infidelity, porn, drugs, alcohol, food, or whatever else floods your head with dopamine. But those are all false escapes. A false escape-

1. Doesn't change behavior, it only masks a problem with a behavior that feels good at the time

2. It wares off quickly, and then you want it again

3. It ultimately exacerbates your problems, it doesn't make them any better

4. They rely on dopamine, they are not spiritual in nature, they are not knowledge or understanding, they are not light, they are not truth, but they are immediate
   

In these difficult moments its better to think, "God is real, God knows me very well, and God loves me, even though it doesn't seem like that right now. But do I love him? If I do, I'll look to him, not to a false escape, and it'll work out. I should just go home and trust God."

I went on a tangent there. Back to the spirit. When I recognize the spirit I felt those few times, even a witness, and I compare the fruits of letting that knowledge lead my life vs. escaping, I then realize priesthood, accountability, faith, the restoration, The Book of Mormon, the temple, the plan of salvation, The Old Testament, The New Testament, keys, ordinances, priesthood authority, eternal progression, that's all truth, and it all stems from Christ. It's The Church of JESUS CHRIST of latter-day saints.

I've realized that if I look to other people, they will always come up short. If people look to me, I will come up short. It's about Jesus, he understands, perfectly. So as of recently, I've been turning my life over to Christ. I've been striving, and sincerely repenting, trying to get temple-worthy, working with a good bishop, and letting light into my heart. Letting the truth of who I am, of my true potential, and my true identity, penetrate my heart, and not the remarks, criticisms, or opinions of others. Because at the end of the day, we're only human, and humans will eventually, 100 percent of the time, let other humans down, will let themselves down. Yes, I am human, very very human. Yet, I feel in my heart, despite all the hell I've endured, I was a noble great soul, and still am, and I can do a lot of good still, even with my handicaps, I just need to come unto Christ.

I've cut myself some slack. I've stopped thinking I'm less because of my marital status, career struggles, independence struggles, dating, relationship, romance, and money struggles. I have perseverance and determination to succeed, it's just that all that time, energy, and effort has been used to fight mental illness and all its collateral damage to a depth and degree not very many understand.

If all that time and energy was put forth toward professional pursuits, without these "morning glories" wrapped around my mind, I would probably have a place at the table, a piece of the pie, even the nods of approval from those climbing the ranks in society, and the female attention that comes with it.

After reading all I endured, I realize, "You're alive, you're actually alive. You faced a hell very few will ever face. You endured a type of pain, and to an intensity, that not many know. You made it through, you're a warrior, you are not less than anybody, you made it through!"

My position in life is not because I'm lazy, or stopped trying, or failed to prepare, nothing is farther from the truth. It's because I have a heavy cross to carry, really heavy, and despite that, I still earned a degree, I kept my faith, and I still believe in God, even if it was by the skin of my teeth, I did it.

Though I don't have the accolades that would win over future in-laws, receive the respectful nod of past college mates, or stand out to the opposite sex, I do have a heart, and I can't see someone alone, friendless, or in pain anymore and not think, "I gotta do something, they need help".

I think it's taken 20 years to finally become humble. Maybe my career will start to improve more now than in the past because all this intense anger is starting to go away, and I have respect and even a love for myself that I never did before. I hope it will improve.

I'll never be able to work in an orthodox way or an orthodox environment, but that doesn't mean I can't achieve self-sufficiency and success in a way that's good for me. God can do all things, if I turn my heart to him, which I'm starting to do, finally.

Will I ever marry? I think it could happen, as I keep walking the road I'm on, but I don't know. I hope it can happen. I've had to walk so many painful lonely roads, and despite my anxiety about marriage, I don't want to walk through the rest of my life alone. It is difficult.

I have what I call "psychiatric residue", or "psychotic dust" that has settled since my episodes. When I feel intense emotion, anxiety, or feel overly stressed, it stirs up the dust, and these odd painful feelings start to re-emerge, and I have to pull back. I think I have some type of PTSD from my psychotic episodes, they were very scary, but I've never been tested. Nonetheless, worry just stirs the dust even more. In times past, and as of recent, I get scared, depressed, and angry, and then I use false escapes, which only stirs the dust even more.

Though it's not easy, I just try to calm down, think of Christ, distract, and pull back. This is a much better-coping mechanism because it's in line with truth.

Yes, I have baggage and a handicap, but I might be surprised by what God can do with my talents, and how peaceful I could be in a marriage setting, if it ever happens.

I've lost 30 pounds, and have 30 more to go. I'm figuring out student teaching, and teaching drums pays 60 an hour and above. I'm actively gigging, and the right party band with the right niche can make thousands of dollars each gig. Lastly, and most importantly, I'm trying to change my heart, repent, and come unto Christ. It has been unfair, but that doesn't mean I don't have to work on myself and become a better me, and in the process could potentially attract a pretty stellar girl. I still have to do the work.

But Christ, that's the answer. Jesus, it's always gonna be about Jesus. I don't know what's going to happen during the remainder of my life, but I'll continue drumming, I'll keep exercising faith, I'll keep repenting, and I'll just keep keepin on. I really only have control over my choices. I am finding choosing Christ is easier, and more calming, than choosing whatever else it is you choose.

If my church activity, my testimony of the validity, need, and truth of the restoration, and my decision to listen to the messenger vs. looking at the messenger, is all based in Christ, stemming from the witness of the Holy Ghost I know I received, then it doesn't matter how warm or cold, how friendly or unfriendly, or how flawed or unflawed people are around me, be it my ward, in the workplace, in dating, at home, socializing, or wherever I find myself. Truth= I can act in faith, not be offended, and look to Christ.

I have a ways to go, because I have a temper, I do, and I'm quite irritable, just ask my bandmates, and I'll always prefer certain personality types or a certain ward over another ward, but that can't be the foundation, my faith can't be people focused, and I can't persist in imperfection as a reaction to the imperfection of others, even justify wrong doing because life is unfair and people suck. I finally know the right direction, and that's Christ. Its The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints.

As this penetrates more into my heart, its not that I'll put on rose colored glasses verse wearing dark shades, its just I think I'll start to recognize the deity within each person and the amount of love God has for every single child he has, and I'll see this above and beyond their imperfections, because I'll finally recognize that truth in myself, above and beyond my imperfections.

And on a lighter note, I think Stuart Smalley has it figured out-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ldAQ6Rh5ZI