That's Everyone, You're Not The Only One...Trust Is Earned

I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not one to hold my tongue, and I'm not one to ignore the elephant sitting in the room, I'll point it out, and ask "Why is that there?" I speak up when I disagree, probably too much. I'm a true product of my family. I look at my immediate and extended family, and we are all so similar. I distrust rather easily, but I also trust easily, and this is something I need to change. Trust is a process, and sometimes all that is offered is a single interaction. Just because an immediate interaction is positive, that doesn't mean an individual can be trusted, and the opposite is also true.

I have had people frankly ask "Why aren't you married?" "What's your story?" Or even during a rough day, you'll lament to a peer. I have learned the hard way-

1. Don't share anything about trauma or mental illness unless that person can truly be trusted, and that takes time.

2. Don't share anything about trauma or mental illness unless through interactions you gather they perhaps have an understanding or are willing to do what's necessary to gain an understanding. But don't assume people understand. In reality, people can only fully understand what they themselves have personally experienced, myself included. But a second-tier understanding can be achieved through-see # 3

3. If a person really wants an honest answer, then they must be willing to do what is required to understand that honest answer. That might require their own research or speaking with others dealing with a similar affliction.

Sometimes on a date, if its going well, or through repeated positive social interactions, I'll speak my mind, and even make myself vulnerable. That's a really stupid thing to do. In times past, I'll become irked, mad, or snap back at someone very bluntly, and become a real jerk, if I don't get the response I expected. People respond by what they know, and until you really get to know somebody, you have no idea what they really truly know or don't know...you know what I mean :)?

So, back to the "Why aren't you married?" "What's your story?" questions. I have in the past, mistakenly given people the benefit of the doubt, and assumed a girl had the best intentions when they asked this question. I say girl, because only women have ever asked me these questions outright. I've never had a fellow guy, dude, or bro ask me these questions.

I can't expect that girl to understand how deep and dark OCD really is. In fact, because the term "mental illness" seems to be handed out like Halloween candy these days, I feel in reality it has become very misunderstood, even watered down in a sense. There are people who experience rough times and experience symptoms of mental illness. They'll seek help, medicine, and support from loved ones, and they push through. Then there are others, who are "mentally ill". They themselves are a child of god, that is their true identity, but the cross they bare is chronic, started very early, and is never going to go away in this life, it can only be managed. If they caught it early, then they are so much better than those whose diagnosis came in adulthood after a crisis. But often a crisis, a terrifying episode, especially during the years of young adulthood, is how mental illness is eventually diagnosed.

I shared in an earlier post something my therapist told me. In summation, he said most of his patients he see's around a year, sometimes more, and then they're gone. He said they have a hard trial, fall on uncertain times, become overly stressed, and will experience uncomfortable symptoms in the realm of mental illness. They talk it out, they get some medicine if needed, circumstances may change, but eventually they leave, because they're ok again. But then he said there are others, with an acute chronic disorder, that always has been and always will be in their lives, and the best they can do is manage it.

The truth is, many endure the storm of being mentally ill quietly, with a pretend smile on their face, and everybody thinks they're fine, but they are not. If this person needs time off, becomes overwhelmed, starts redlining, colleagues, peers, family, and friends, may become critical, and say they are being weak, or overreacting. They say this because they have no clue.

This all being said, in times past, when a girl pops the "Whats your story?" "Why aren't you married" question, I have given umbrella terms to my issues, like anxiety, depression, or even OCD. They all say the same thing, "That's everybody," or "You're not the only one."

Believe me, there is a HUGE difference between someone who might get anxious sometimes, or has an episode with anxiety (that is everyone) vs. having "clinical anxiety" (this is not everyone). There is a HUGE difference between someone feeling down, or blue (that is everyone) vs. being "clinically depressed"(that is not everyone), and there is a HUGE difference from what people perceive OCD to be (seems to be everyone) vs. what it really is (that is not everyone).

I am not the only one with OCD, obviously not, but the reality is, people who truly suffer from what I call "REAL OCD", not "TV OCD", but what it really is, no I'm not the only one, but its not nearly as common as people think it is, because most people have no clue what it really is. ITS HELL! IT SUCKS! Add to that all the psychiatric hell storms brought on by the stress of OCD, no I'm not the only one, but that is even less common. So obviously, I get mad, hurt, or irked, and it ruins my day when a girl tells me this.

Imagine talking to a girl and she says, "I went through a divorce a year ago, because my husband had an affair, and left me for another woman?" Imagine if you responded, "You're not the only one." Or "That's everybody." That would be pretty insensitive, and harsh. But because an affair, a divorce, is something most people can understand, and comprehend, it's met with compassion. But I'm telling you, the hurt from "REAL MENTAL ILLNESS", it hurts just as bad.

I even had a therapist who said these "You're not the only one/That's Everybody" comments. She wasn't my therapist very long, she also wasn't very experienced with Obsessive Compulsive Order beyond textbooks and tests. My experience has been textbooks and tests teach symptoms, but they don't teach experience. To live with clinical chronic OCD (Not TV OCD), or to know someone for many years who has suffered from it, these individuals would have a better understanding of how serious and painful OCD is than many licensed therapists.

Currently, I have found an amazing NP, she does all my meds, and she GETS IT, I mean she really gets it, and it is so comforting having someone like that in your corner. I also have my OCD therapist, I call him my shrink, he specializes in OCD, and he really gets it too, and at least for me, it helps he's a man. I owe them so very much. I can't even put into words how much they have helped me. They're a godsend.

So what I have learned the hard way. When someone asks "Why aren't you married?" Or "What's your deal?" "What's your story?" You say, "I don't know you well enough to give you an answer. Why don't you ask me about the weather or something?" I've also learned, it's a giant mistake to make yourself vulnerable around somebody you don't know very well. In fact, you shouldn't do that until you know the person very well and can trust them.

This all being said, everyone is going through something in life, whatever that something is. If assumptions made by others about your life situation make you angry, then you can pretty much assume the same is true for them. You realize not a human on earth isn't insecure about something, isn't battling something, isn't stressing or worried about something. So to help cool my own temperament a bit, to find more peace in life, I've realized the golden rule is the true way to be, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." YES, it's really hard when someone right from the get-go may come at you with criticism, and you have every right to defend yourself, but who are they to ruin your day? Ignorance is bliss, but it isn't for everybody else around you, and nothing says ignorance like making assumptions.