Vertical Anxiety, A Millstone

Vertical Anxiety- An absurd intense and constant anxiety that ensues when a perceived or actual authority figure puts pressure on me to perform. (I looked for other definitions, even phobias, but couldn't really find anything that pin pointed my symptom.)

When I think back to life, at the core of all my problems (see OCD: The Brutal Truth) is an absurd fear of performing poorly under a perceived or actual authority. When I say absurd, I'm not exaggerating, I mean its completely irrational, and its intense.

Coupled with this anxiousness is hyperactivity, and an unusual heightened susceptibility to distraction, but that only happens when I'm feeling more relaxed, like during a work meeting, and then I miss important information, and then I mess up, and then my anxiety sky rockets.

When I'm focused, I hyper focus, and I am not relaxed. I often become overwhelmed because I impose too many tasks on myself and struggle prioritizing tasks. Furthermore, because of my severe "vertical anxiety", I find it difficult to trust people, and this even carries over to "lateral" environments, or environments where I view others as peers, not authority figures, and my anxiety isn't triggered.

These issues are a recipe for disaster in a career. I inevitably make a lot of mistakes, and these mistakes exacerbate my performance anxiety, which in turn causes me to make more mistakes, which exacerbates the performance anxiety even more, and its a literal downward spiral.

Imagine all of these symptoms in the work force, even in a corporate professional environment, it was hell. (see OCD: The Brutal Truth, especially the post college section).

If stakes are lower and mistakes aren't a big deal, or I'm surrounded by actual or perceived "laterals", then my anxiety isn't triggered.

But what is awful, is when my anxiety is triggered, it won't turn off unless I remove myself from the situation.

Here is a run down of "Vertical Anxiety"

Age 12- Passing Sacrament (LDS Communion)-

There was a system all the "deacons" (12 year old boys who pass the sacrament to the congregation) used to pass the sacrament each Sunday. For the middle benches of the chapel a special "skip" method was implemented. I won't go into detail what this method entails, it doesn't matter, but I was overwhelmed about messing it up, and I always did, probably because I was so anxious. If I did mess it up, some of my fellow deacons would become annoyed with me. So any Sunday I was assigned the middle rows, my anxiety would be pounding Sunday Morning, on the edge of throwing up.

Age 13 & Afterward- Football-

Football was a double edged sword. Was I elated when I performed well and received praise from coaches? Yes. Did I hate the game build up, the pressure to perform well, and coaches coming down on me when I made a mistake? Yes. But this isn't unusual, many athletes deal with this. What is unusual, is the intensity of my anxiety at such a young age.

I would be bent over dry heaving before all my Pop Warner Football Games. Non of my fellow pee wee team mates were bent over sick with anxiety before games, and every single one of them thought it was an odd behavior, but it became the norm. Coaches would ask where I was, and when some one would respond "He's throwing up," "Well tell him to get over here, the games about to start." I then would become a literal terror on the football field. I would get sack after sack after sack in a game. I would obliterate kids. I wasn't even 100 pounds at this time, and I dislocated a kids shoulder and blew another kids knee in my first season playing football. I remember hitting a kid that was probably a good 6 inches taller than me so hard, that while doing the post game "good game hi hives" I noticed the kid had a giant red imprint on his forehead, like somebody punched him, it was huge, lol.

This anxiety carried into high school, but football competed with chronic every day all day Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Loneliness, and Depression, my first two years of high school so I became ineligible for a time. But Junior year, I shined, and was over the top intense.

Age 18- Construction Job

Prior to serving an LDS mission, I started working for a framer. He was an immature idiot. He would get mad, bark at me for doing things wrong, etc. I was never meant to be a builder/carpenter of any kind, I'm horrible at it. I dealt with constant anxiety for a few weeks, and finally woke up one day called in and quit. The anxiety stopped after that.

Age 20- The Mission- 17 Charlas (Spanish for Discussion i.e. gospel lessons taught to people investigating the church) + 20 min discussion rule (Charlas/Discussions were to only be 20 minutes) + A difficult Companion

The mission was an OCD playground, there was so much for my brain to obsess and worry about. But my anxiety was nearly unbearable when our mission president implemented the weekly 17 discussion quota.

Many of the missionaries probably thought "I'll give it a good college try, but I'm not going to stress over it." Others probably thought, "Yea, that's not happening, I could care less what the mission president says." While even others thought, "We're going to work hard to achieve this, 17 discussions here we come!"

Then there was me "No matter what, this has to happen! The mission is a mirror of my life, and I want to have a good life, so I have to get this quota, everything in my entire life depends on it, and if I don't achieve this my life will be horrible, but I have to keep my discussions within 20 minutes, they can't go a second over, and if they do, my life is going to be awful, and God will be angry with me, I can't go over even one second, and I have to get 17 discussions, and I can only do it in ways where the time limit isn't threatened, so working with fellow members in the congregation/ward isn't going to work, because they'll take too long, and they'll want us to stay and eat something, and it will threaten my entire mission and worthiness before God, so I have to do this only within a way that doesn't threaten any time limits and rules, and no matter what we have to achieve this 17 discussion quota!"

My mission president made me anxious, very very anxious. He was very much an authority figure, and he very much was putting pressure on me to perform. I was anxious 24/7 on the mission, and this only made matters worse.

Crazy Formula Is As Follows-

17 Charla/discussion quota + 20 minute time limit for discussions + having a difficult companion who was pushing every boundary, and was lazy, which made following the discussion time rule and reaching the quota that much harder, which in turn made my anxiety that much worse = I broke and Psychotic Depression Ensued-Episode 1 (see OCD: The Brutal Truth, the mission section, for details)

Age 27-1st Job After College- B2B Sales Communications Company

After I graduated college, I foolishly moved to California with out much of a plan. My main focus was to live by the beach, and become a talented surfer....and I'm from Arizona. ?

I thought it would work out fine, and for many things do work out just fine. But if you suffer from a severe disorder, than you can't do things like the average college grad. Long story short, I accept a B2B sales job with a communications company. The sales quotas and a boss who oversaw my performance ignited my anxiety. It had been awhile since I dealt with "vertical anxiety". It actually hadn't occurred since my mission. But the anxiety manifested quickly and with intensity. The dry heaving every morning, being sick to my stomach all day, the dread, oh it was awful. It became unbearable, it wouldn't turn off. I couldn't take it anymore, and I just woke up one day and quit. (For more details see post "OCD: The Brutal Truth" and the section about post college)

Age 27-2nd Job After College- Sales For Large Food Manufacturer

After I left my first job out of college, I began working for a very large food company as an area sales rep. I initially felt good. They told me I would be in training for 4 to 6 weeks and then cover a senior sales reps area for one week under close supervision. But like most things in life, nothing went as planned.

I had a week of training, and was to oversee the area of a senior sales rep for an entire month because he was out with heart issues. The area was in an area of Los Angeles that had a very high inventory turn over, and it was hard to keep up and keep track.

The anxiety blew up like an atomic bomb, it was agony. Anxiety led to mistakes which led to my boss getting annoyed with me which led to me snapping back at my boss and this all led to increased anxiety which led to more mistakes......you see the pattern. It was a rapid downward spiral, which ended in me blowing up in a Food 4 Less in Inglewood California. Two nights later, its like 10 at night, I'm sitting in a Ralphs parking lot somewhere in Los Angeles, exhausted, I call in and tell my manager that I can't do this job anymore.

I get let go the next day with severance and benefits for a few months, which was better then just getting canned all together. (For more details see post "OCD: The Brutal Truth" and the section about post college)

Age 28- 3rd Job after college- Seat Sales for NBA team

I decided to try my hand at sales within a professional athletic organization. It went well during the hiring process. Things went well during the training process. The first day shadowing on the floor, and talking to the sales manager, my chest erupted inside, it was on fire. What seemed like an avenue to succeed in a field I would enjoy immediately changed. The environment and pressure to sell was real, but not as bad as I perceived, but my anxiety was pounding so bad, I might has well been going into battle on the front lines. My anxiety stayed on for days, I couldn't take it anymore, and I quit the job, before I even started.

For 2 years I float, fail, and get really depressed.

Then Episode 2 - Existential Ruminations, Akathisia, Mono-phobia

(For more details see post "OCD: The Brutal Truth" and the section about post college)

Age 33- Truck Driver For Shingle Delivery

It was long, it was scary, and it permanently changed me, but I survived my second episode. Part of what helped me survive that episode, was the help given to me through Deseret Industries. I worked there for a year, and they paid for me to get a CDL license.

I get hired on by a local business that does shingle delivery for roofers. It is an incredibly dangerous job. You stack shingle bundles on top of houses. Sometimes the roofs pitch is non existent, and sometimes its very steep. Sometimes you're on a steep roof 2 stories high. But how dangerous the job was did not trigger my anxiety. It was coworkers getting on my case about messing up, be it stacking the shingles or how I drove.

The anxiety ignites, and I start throwing up everyday before work in the parking lot. The anxiety gets so bad, that I just quit the job. Also, I was getting carpel tunnel, and nothing is more important than drumming, its one of the very few things that makes me happy.

Age 33- Party Band

This experience really hit home to me that I had a real problem, an acute problem. I reached out to all these amazing local musicians and some very talented singers. I formed a covers/party band, with the goal of playing high end corporate and wedding gigs. I recruited, formed, and coordinated this band and its practices. Some might even say it was my band. But one practice a guy got on my case about time. I was playing on a faulty electric kit, with some troublesome sensors, and my metronome click wasn't easy to hear. Non the less, I started to feel really insecure, and intimated by all those around me. But I formed the band, and was doing everything for the band, it was my band. My anxiety was triggered overnight, and I was on fire inside, and it wouldn't turn off. So I left the band I formed and started.

Age 34- O'reilly Auto Parts

I needed some extra side cash, so I started working as a delivery driver for an auto parts retailer. I am not knowledgeable about cars, but didn't have to be, I just had to drive to places and drop off parts. Sometimes when the deliveries were slow, I would work in the store. One day a more seasoned employee got on my case about not finding the correct auto parts, it was all new to me. Like a spark erupting, my anxiety triggered, and it was bad, and I dreaded working behind the counter. I stayed with the job for a bit more, but my anxiety wouldn't shut off, so I quit, and then it stopped.

Age 34- Logistics Broker

I decided to try my hand has a logistics broker. I had decided I was going to attend music school, and this seemed like a way to make a large sum of money in a few months. I went through the training, and then after shadowing a broker, seeing all they had to do, all they had to coordinate, the amount of money at stake, I caught fire inside, really bad. There was still some added training, and I tried to stick it out for a week, and thought maybe it would go away, but it didn't. I asked if I could change positions to something more per diem, with less coordination and executive skills, basically one off phone sales. The manager could tell something was up, and turned down my petition. The anxiety wouldn't shut off, so I quit, and it stopped.

Age 34- Music School

I spent a semester at music school in Los Angeles. It was quite expensive, and maybe it wasn't the best idea. I did learn some amazing tools, and was taught by some of the best drummers that have ever walked the planet. I practice constantly, and had some anxiety, but it was manageable. 2 weeks before classes ended, a teacher got on my case about doing a 3 stroke ruff wrong, which is a drum rudiment. He became rather emphatic because this was a rudiment we went over at the beginning of the semester. What he didn't know is how hard I was working on everything else, and how I was practicing incessantly everything they gave us. I had even practiced the three stroke ruff with a more seasoned student, because I knew we would be going over it in class. Furthermore, I willingly was the sacrificial lamb in class, and would volunteer to play our assignments in front of class. It went fine until this one day, and I caught on fire inside. From that day forward I was dry heaving every single day each morning, and my stomach was in knots during the day. It was so bad, I just stopped going to class all together. I realized there was no way I could finish out school, and there was no way I could ever be a session drummer in higher pressure professional environment. From when the teacher got on my case forward, my body was on fire, the anxiety wouldn't shut off. So at semesters end, I packed up and went home. What's interesting, is this same teacher that came down on me was one of the most kind angelic men, but as soon as I felt pressure from him, my anxiety ignited.

Age 39- Drum Instruction

I started teaching drums. I have been doing fairly well. My anxiety was triggered once when a parent as having concerns about their child's progress, and that I was going too fast. I probably was going too fast, but the child could only practice drums every other weekend, as he was in a two home living situation. I eventually pushed through it though, and it was hard.

My anxiety will trigger every once in a while, and I just try to recognize it and logically talk it down. Given the autonomous nature of being a 1099 drum instructor, I can actually manage the anxiety when its triggered. If I was under a watchful eye and subject to performance reviews by a "boss", then it wouldn't go so well. My anxiety would trigger, I would get mad, I would blow up, and I would quit. That's probably how it would go. This is the first "career" I'm actually somewhat making work. What's difficult is there has been a learning curve. Also, I get new students, but students wash out too, because they simply lack the desire to practice, which makes me feel insecure as a teacher. I am becoming better at teaching though.

"Brethren Bristles"-

In my faith, the highest leaders are often referred to as "The Brethren". They are indeed wonderful men, and men of great faith. Yet within the context of my past and present day struggles within the realm of OCD/scrupulosity, sometimes what's difficult is not so much what a leader says, but how they say it. Tone triggers me, really bad, and its probably because of trauma. Stern with some heightened emotion=Triggers Anger.

Is it any surprise I struggle with authority. Is it any surprise I can not stand it when people tell me what to do. Because of OCD and the complexities that come with it as it distorts faith and authority, I struggle with leaders in my faith sometimes. Because I have a hard time putting things into context, into moderation, in times past a church leaders words become very black and white to me, and they frankly stress me out. I feel like the last thing I need is something else to live up to. I can sometimes feel trapped, a claustrophobia within the walls of scrupulosity, anxiety, and past trauma all triggered by the demeanor and tone in which something is said. I am doing better at it though, I'm really trying, but its difficult.

Tone is everything to me. If its said by a perceived or actual authority, and its said sternly and/or with emotion, it triggers anger inside me. Why? Past Trauma.

Because OCD distorted authority and faith so severely in times past, a leaders tone will trigger a fight or flight response inside me. If I'm not directly under someone's authority, especially a high church leader, and they say something sternly, I have a fight response. If I'm directly under their authority I'll have a flight response, but that flight response soon can become a fight response. (Read my post "OCD: The Brutal Truth" and you'll see why).

A stern direct emotionally infused tone directed toward correcting behaviors, behaviors that I may struggle with, behaviors that stem from hardships, trials, and trauma connected with mental illness, creates a strong resentment and feeling of push back inside me.

This happens because I don't like stern or emotionally charged tones in general. But I especially get triggered if this tone is in regards to behaviors I may struggle with, and it's coming from somebody I believe in their own personal life have never experienced what I have. The psychiatric hell I have endured, multiple times, the resulting trauma, the life long altering of my mind and brain, the loss of that "essence" I had prior to breaking, that "me essence" I call it, and the almost impossible realization of a career within the bottle neck that is acute OCD with the awful "vertical" anxiety that comes with it, they're not easy to relate to, and I've yet to have a leader who isn't perplexed by these issues.

I feel like saying, "Unless you have emergency psyche meds in the car, unless you've been to the oblivion of the psyche, unless you understand how scary psychiatric episodes are and the trauma they cause, episodes that last MONTHS, with after effects that last a LIFETIME, unless you have dealt with this awful bottle neck called acute mental illness, unless you have endured the pure evil hell of "akathisia", unless you have been an aging single person living a meager existence after putting forth so much effort to prepare so you wouldn't have a meager existence, then don't get stern with me, don't get emotional, and watch your tone! That you haven't endured psychiatric hell and the resulting trauma, and the millstone of chronic acute mental illness, who are you to correct me!" This has been a struggle for me. I call this reaction "Brethren Bristles", but "Brethren Bristles" can really come from any authority figure.

On the flipside, if I genuinely feel a heart felt concern, love and kindness, with a tone that reflects that, I listen, and I react positively, even if it's to correct me. Is it any surprise I liked Richard G. Scott when he spoke in general conference.

But I'm learning how to listen to the message rather than looking at the messenger. It's helping.

The Cycle-

Action-

1. Career Path, Work Endeavors, Project- Doesn't come to fruition or I hit a big road block be it financial, psyche, mental, emotional, etc.

   
   

   AND/OR

   
   

2. Give Romance A Shot, Ask Out A Girl, Go To A Social Activity With Expectations, Wanna Go Out Again With A Girl- Rejection/Failed Expectations

Thought Process-

"I made great sacrifice and put forth immense effort to prepare myself for life i.e. mission and college"

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V

"Despite efforts and sacrifice, when applied in the workforce, my preparation is nullified by bottle necks i.e. "vertical" anxiety (An OCD symptom I'm sure) & psychiatric residue (see "OCD: The Brutal Truth" for details)"

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V

"My lack of career success creates a lack of confidence. Ultimately my lack of financial independence, career success, and an absurd susceptibility to anxiety and stress means romance is Mt. Everest."

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V

"Will I every get married? Can I get married? All this pain, all this temptation, all these hormones, this sucks."

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V

Get mad & Sad and think "Why do I keep doing this? This is beyond unfair!"(resent the status quo, resent the successful men I feel surrounded by in the church, resent my peers married and moving up in their careers, resent women, resent "the game" i.e. dating and romance, resent life)

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V

Thoughts Lead To Feeling Strong Intense Emotion Which Leads To Bad Behavior

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V

Behavior creates regret & anxiety

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V

Talk with my Bishop

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V

Try again

Present Day-

Jesus, this is all I'm trying to focus on. When I get mad, or rejected, or anxious, or whatever, I stop, I pray, and I ask for guidance and help. Still not mess up free, but, I'm messing up way less, and not as seriously.